Big Thief’s ‘Not’: Finding definition for the elusive sense of self 

The struggle to define notions and aspects of ourselves that feel too intangible or magnanimous for simple explanation is a distinctly human reality. The attempt to define our identity, purpose, and individual significance in a boundless and unknown universe is a mess of contradiction. Adrianne Lenker, singer and songwriter of the band Big Thief, beautifully represents the convoluted struggle to define a sense of self in the vulnerably defiant lyricism present in their song “Not.” “Not,” which I believe to be their most introspective piece, is interpreted as revealing Lenker’s own struggle with existence and personal identity. Through the repeated use of the word not, Lenker describes what does not define them, hoping to reveal who they truly are. “Not” a desperate attempt to find cohesion and constancy within oneself is raw and resonant, echoing the struggle to define one’s own fluid femininity and ineffable womanhood in a society that constantly attempts to define it for you. 

As a woman, you’re often confronted face-to-face with a sad reality; when you walk into a room, your appearance enters first. It is an expectation that you will be viewed through a fisheye lens by people who don’t seek to know who you really are, but only how you present yourself. “Not” sheds light on the truth that, although society may always have a simple definition of who you are, you don’t have to be defined solely through this lens of an outward appearance; you don’t have to subscribe to this oversimplification. Lenker echoes this in the lyrics “Not the meat of your thigh, nor your spine tattoo, nor your shimmery eye, nor the wet of the dew.” Lenker’s vocals on these lines, dripping with righteous indignation, portray the true frustration of feeling a loss of oneself in one’s own body. 

As humans, we continually and fruitlessly attempt to come up with ways to make our external, material bodies match our true identity. We may dye our hair, wear certain clothes, or cover our bodies in tattoos and jewelry of all different shades and hues. But true identity and sense of self are often elusive despite these frivolous attempts. This line, to me, then becomes a clear declaration of desperation to escape the containment of one’s own body. It represents the hope of finding a sense of self that is not just defined by the superficial layers we put on, but by what we really are. This line suggests that even self-expression through appearance can feel suffocating and unrepresentative of all that you are. All this is true because, at the core of Lenker’s lyricism, you can’t just be defined by any single aspect of your appearance— you surpass your exterior disguise. 

Though self-expression is important, outward signifiers are not all that can represent a living, breathing human being . You are not reduced to the ways in which you adorn your face and body, and you more than exceed the “meat of your thigh.” In so much of today’s media, there is an immense focus on cultivating a distorted yet flawless outward appearance, having a perfectly curated Instagram grid, and being a walking Pinterest board. It’s important to remember the conversation about identity extends beyond cultivating outward signs of who we are. The concept Lenker presents in the lyric “Nor your shimmery eye” points to the truth that your soul and essence can never be contained in materialistic things. Though this truth might make the concept of true self more intangible, it also implies the weight of our own magnitude — the infinite beauty of our inner self doesn’t just exist through the clothes we may wear, but through who we innately are and simply because we are alive. Lenker reminds us that our identity is not just the ink on our skin—we are indescribable. 

Lenker continues in proclaiming they are “Not the hunger revealing,/Nor the ricochet in the cave,/Nor the blood of you bleeding/As you try to let go”. Explaining that we are not defined by what we may see as the worst parts of us: the innate anger, sadness, and plethora of emotions we contain. People of all orientations and identities, especially knows who don’t benefit from cis-masculine privelige know how common it is to feel pressure to make yourself palatable by suppressing anger, sadness, hunger, or even ecstasy — emotions that could make you seem, to a critic’s eye, “hysterical.” This is true to the extent, the word hysteria stems from the ancient Greek word “hystera” meaning uterus; essientially implying a woman’s intense, or what the ancient Greeks perceived as irrational, emotions are because of her possession of a uterus. This word has been used throughout all of history to confine and belittle women – to portray women as inherently irrational, illogically emotional beings, and worse, as beings incapable of true mental struggle because medical professionals would diagnose any struggle as common “ female hysteria”. Though the word is dated, the inherent misogynistic connotation carries on into the present world. Lenker recognizes this and defiantly reminds us we are not “irrational,” nor are we confined by a misogynistic viewpoint of emotion; we are simply humans who have the right to feel and not be thought less of as a consequence. To onlookers who oversimplify you, you become defined by your immense ability to feel, but Lenker’s words console you by presenting the notion that you don’t have to be watered down to feelings. Lenker approaches this sentiment from a different perspective by conveying that you are not just the hunger you feel shame for, or the anger you feel remorse for; you are much more than even the most jealous, vengeful part of yourself. There is so much more pressure — now more than ever, for a woman to be complacent and kind; any action defying these labels can define you as “gossipy” or “toxic.” You are more than just mistakes you may make, and more than the weight of your emotions; these aspects, and your missteps, do not become your tombstone. 

This line’s resonance is emphasized in “Nor the blood of you bleeding as you try to let go,” in saying you are more than your attachments. There is so much stigma, especially in social media, around the concept of the infamous “crazy ex-girlfriend” to the extent that a woman cannot even grieve over the loss of someone close to them without again receiving the label of “hysterical.” Lenker lets you know that you are more than grief from loss you may experience. Just because you feel pain or even an inability to let go, you are not defined by it. Similar to the key theme of the piece, your all-consuming emotions aren’t who you are. Sometimes emotions are just that: waves of feelings that must pass us all. The metaphorical blood you may bleed for the people you care about as you try to let go is not your sole significance in this world. It’s easy to get lost when you place the definition of yourself as dependent on relationships with others. When you lose those relationships that defined you, you may feel seen only as the sadness that encompasses you. Lenker offers the wisdom that you exceed even your worst moments and worst days. 

Lenker proves these notions to be eminently true as they vulnerably defy labels placed upon them based on the things that they are Not. These, too, are things that you are Not: “the meat on your thigh,” “your hunger revealing,” “ not the crowd,” “not winning.” Even if you are not even halfway to figuring out your own definition of yourself, it’s ok. Recognizing all the superficial aspects which Lenker reminds us we are not defined by leads us a step closer to knowing the beautiful, complex, and ineffable people we innately are.