Bro Police Report

UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, LOS ANGELES – Last week a student identified only as “Chad” at UCLA was arrested on the charge of being a total asshat.

The shocking crime, which involved making incredibly insensitive comments to an audience featuring fully functioning ears, occurred in a feminist studies class during the first day of the Fall Quarter.

“The professor asked us all to share definitions of feminism in pairs with one another, but this guy just starts going off with women jokes,” said fellow student and witness Kimberly Johnson, “we all just sat there kinda shocked, I mean Jesus Christ, this is 2014, right?”

The suspect’s comments ranged from “Feminism is women complaining about shit”, rants about “feminazis”, and claims that “this was all going on the Reddit RedPill subforum”. Officers from UCPD promptly arrived on the scene and arrested the suspect in question.

Senior Detective Brian Amarillo of UCPD’s Anti-Douchiness Squad, is leading the incident’s investigation. “In my 25 years of police work, I’ve never seen such a bold case of asshatery. It goes to show that students should strive to be more aware in regards to feminist issues and show empathy towards others,” he also added, “and you know, not be such a douche”.

Chad was charged with 1st degree asshatery, and one count of c’mon man, really? The defendant has plead not guilty to all counts, telling the judge that, “Relax bro, it was just joke. I was tired”. His attorney’s feel confident that they can reduce the charges to “being kind of a dick”.

The trial is pending.

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