Diary entry of another teenage girl: Valentine’s Day
Image Description: Illustration of Elia’s decorated diary cover. A purple composition notebook, with a lavender spine, in pink and white cursive writing on the spine, “Property of Elia!!” In the center oval, in pink cursive writing, is “Don’t open this diva up!” Below it is a yellow sticky note with handwritten text that reads: “Therapy is too expensive, so here’s a journal, hope this helps – Mom” with a drawn-on heart. Includes six stickers: a neon pink glow star at the top left, a pink ring around a turquoise oval with “Diva Down” written on the top right, a black and purple heart in the left most center, a purple and white oval with “I EAT GIRL DINNER” on the right most side, a blue square with a white eye drawn on it on the bottom left, and a neon pink glow star at the bottom right.
VALENTINE’S DAY – 3:06 AM
Dear My Closest Confidant and Diva Diary,
Why am I chronically allergic to being in a relationship? I’m as single as I came out of the womb. We all go through times in our lives when we hope for a romance that’ll sweep us up into a fairytale, but as time goes on and I grow to meet the men of this generation, I’m met with insurmountable hurdles. A challenge known as FAIRYTALES DON’T EXIST! There is no prince on a white horse, nor do I even need that anymore, but is there anyone out there who can hold a genuine conversation and care about others? I’m not asking for a superhero; I’m asking for an empathetic person. It’s hard not to be disillusioned with the current state of affairs, with a resurgence in misogynistic traditionalists who believe power and control is love. At this point, I fear the men I speak to, because I can never tell if their intentions are as pure as mine. All this complaining to say, I’ve accepted my fate of spending another Valentine’s Day alone…
I’M LYING! I WANT LOVE ON VALENTINE’S DAY LIKE RIGHT FREAKING NOW!! Being alone sucks, and hearing about how many fish in the sea there are makes you feel like a county fair goldfish nobody expected to win. I’m alone, surrounded by people and not other available fish. And I’m not saying throw me into a fish tank with another fish, I want to explore the ocean, but it’s never that easy when I try.
I’ve come to realize I’m not finding the one at a party or on dating apps, and I don’t want to force it either. All of my friends are in loving relationships with people they met by chance, and that’s beautiful, but GOD I SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE FOR OTHERS, PLEASE HELP ME NEXT!
VALENTINE’S DAY – 8:15 PM
I’m not saying I’ve given up on love… I’m just a girl who loves love, so I guess I’ve put my feelers out into the universe, and they have reached someone. Well, I don’t know if reached is the correct word… More like my feelers suddenly became conscious of someone.
It was honestly really random. I’ve known him for a few years now; we’ve never hung out, but we’ve been in the same spaces for a while. I’ve always thought he was funny and an overall genuine person; my best friend even mentioned him in passing when I was once again complaining about dating apps. At the time, I shot it down because I never saw him in any way besides as an acquaintance or someone I would like to be better friends with. Recently, we started working on a group project together for a class, so I’ve spent more time with him. He was the only person I knew prior to this project, so I guess I just gravitated to the comfort of knowing someone. We selected our roles and started working together to complete our final presentation due in about three weeks. The last few weeks I’ve been starting to look forward to our group project meetings. I get to be silly and goofy with a group of people who I’ve come to call friends, and that includes him. He’s taken charge of the project, and I’ve almost become the second in command just to help out a little more, so he’s not overwhelmed by everything. I know a little too well what happens when you have to carry a lot on your own. As time went on and we spent a little extra time together walking home after our meetings, it just sort of happened.
He was telling me a random story as we were walking and I suddenly looked over at him and my brain started malfunctioning like an old tv trying to find a signal. An almost buzzing sensation went through my brain and then shot down the rest of my body. I couldn’t even explain why or how, but I immediately started paying attention to the way I was walking. Thoughts popped into my mind as he was still talking:: Am I walking weird? Do my footsteps sound too loud? Am I walking sideways? Am I trying too hard to walk normally? What is normal? Does he notice I’m being weird? Please don’t notice I’m being weird! No, I’m not being weird, I’m being cool and normal… NO I’M NOT! WHAT IN THE DELUSIONAL MINDSET AM I ON?
We ended up walking past the way he was supposed to turn and had to walk back, and I just followed trying to play it off like I could walk any direction home. I was mortified by everything and anything I was doing. I’m still thinking about it and it happened last week! After that I went through all the dumbest questions: Do I really even like him? I barely know him… but I want to get to know him better… Am I just liking the idea of him? Do I just want to like somebody? Is this because we’re just in close proximity? Why am I still thinking about him? Why am I dreading, but also excited to see him again?
All this to say, I know I shouldn’t throw my everything into a moment. I know I should just ride out this wave and see where it takes me, but this is a bad idea, between the group project deadline approaching and all of us being stressed I cannot add another thing onto my plate. Still I wanted to spend time with him alone again, but walking home this week we ended up having a plus one and he took a different route home. I couldn’t tell him that I wanted to join him just cause, that would have been too obvious and I don’t even know if this is anything more than me being interested in him as a person. And it’s not like I can tell my friends in relationships about it, because they’ll get all excited and encourage me to go for it, or worse, intervene. Also, telling people just makes it all feel way more real, but I just want to live in my nonexistent fairytale a little longer.
All this to say, KILL ME NOW, before my brain does. Is it weird that I just enjoy his company? I literally can’t imagine anything else happening besides us hanging out and enjoying each other’s presence. Am I just being a weirdo again? Who knows maybe I’m just overthinking everything, the way my anxiety carries me away to every possibility.
Well I’m not past the point of no return and I’m gonna see what happens after this group project, maybe I’m a pessimist thinking nothing will come of this. I’m just a girl with too many thoughts and not many people to trust with this secret.
HOLY SHIT HE JUST TEXTED ME?! MY ANXIETY JUST SHOT THROUGH THE ROOF. I HATEEEEEEE THIS. NOW I GOTTA SEE WHAT HE SAID!
And it was about the group project… fuck my chungus life.
Well Until Next Time Diary,
Your Currently DOwn DIva,
Elia <3
