On Liking Choking

Design Hope Harris

Image Description: Femme with dark hair facing left, while a hand is around their throat

Time for sex talk. Everyone huddles in a tight circle, hungry hyenas laughing at low-hanging jokes while salivating at the shared confessions. Sex talk is forbidden; that’s what makes it fun. “Did you cum?” “Of course we used protection!” “How many times?” “I was on top” “Were they good?” “She ate me out” “What positions?” “He choked me!” Despite its alarming content, this final statement is met with the same encouragement and excitement as all the others, and why should it not be? Choking provides a sensation of lightheadedness that can increase orgasmic sensations. Besides, everyone who is not “vanilla” does it… right? Sexual asphyxiation has become a common element of perceived sexual norms, but poses a multitude of risks to the recipient. Increased visibility of choking has put pressure on individuals to attempt it in bed, often without fully considering if they want to, if their partner wants to, or how it could potentially harm them. 

Before discussing the risks and potential performance of choking, it is crucial to understand that the consensual incorporation and exploration of choking and other kinks is a practice of sexual liberation that should not be shamed. Deviating from the heterosexual norms of sex can be a radical act, redefining traditional boundaries to increase pleasure for all parties. Kinks have the potential to increase a relationship’s trust and confidence, relieve stress, practice boundary setting, and heal past trauma in addition to a variety of other benefits. Thorough communication and research before exploration ensures safety, comfort, and pleasure in the bedroom. This piece is intended to increase awareness about choking. It attempts to toe the intricate line that separates true pleasure from the pleasure of sexual performance. Those who choose to integrate consensual choking into their sex lives after consideration of all the risks and influencing factors are not to be judged, but instead encouraged to pursue what is best for their pleasure. 

Sexual choking is an inescapable element of pornography, with women typically being the recipients of asphyxiation. Historically, porn has grossly encouraged the degradation and submission of the feminine in sex. Even in queer depictions, the more feminine individual accepts the dominance of their more masculine counterpart. They are typically subjected to violence and humiliation and often meet this mistreatment with a positive facade. The performed enjoyment of emotional and physical pain reinforces the message that violent dominant and submissive dynamics are normal and that femmes are a catalyst for masculine pleasure, even at the expense of their safety. In a culture that discourages open discussions on sexual health and pleasure, many turn towards pornography as an educational resource to understand the fundamental process of desire. Porn holds a unique power in shaping sexual scripts, as it is the only medium that allows the entire sequence of sexual encounters to be watched and studied. The reoccurring inclusion of choking in these performances conflates non-consented choking with “good sex.” This is developed alongside the idea that it should occur spontaneously without warning or discussion, and the recipient should accept and submit to the strangulation. Since the individuals do not discuss their boundaries before these encounters, viewers are taught that surprise is a fundamental element to the “hotness” of choking. This enforces the notion that communicating could take away the excitement of submission when the opposite is true. Through consistent consumption of porn, viewers develop a warped understanding that a good and desirable sexual partner should take enjoyment in the impulsive act of restriction and pain. Since humans are motivated to fit into the norm and women are socialized to prioritize male pleasure over their pain, individuals may unconsciously force themselves to endure the pain of choking. 

The pornographic normalization of choking has been increasingly reinforced through media representations of sex. Films, TV shows, and social media have the power to contradict the sexual scripts shaped by porn, as these mediums can challenge the falsities of pornographic sex with more “realistic” representations. However, the recent rise of sexual choking on-screen since the 2015 release of “Fifty Shades of Gray” has only encouraged this act. This film revolutionized the way sex was presented on-screen and in the viewers’ minds, making kinks a socially acceptable topic of conversation. As with most kinks, choking was previously seen as dirty, unnatural, and weird. The tremendous box office success of the film presented choking as a normal element of “hotter” sex, redefining cultural opinions about the act. Sexual asphyxiation was no longer obscene, but instead a praised element to incorporate into dry sex lives. This mindset spread from targeting middle-aged women audiences to younger views due to the rise of online memes regarding choking. These memes became an easy way to get thousands of likes, with the current #chokemedaddy sitting at 30.4K posts and #chokeme at 73.4K posts on Instagram. These online jokes strip away the serious nature of choking and present it in a palatable and dismissive way. The virality of this content normalizes it and subconsciously encourages them to participate in this act in order to fit in. After all, if there is no opposition or outrage to the idea of choking, could you be the one doing it wrong? This format is especially harmful to young children who have not yet experienced sex and rely on social cues to create expectations for future sexual endeavors. 

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Following this increased visibility, a 2021 survey found that 53.9% of undergraduate and graduate women had been choked in bed. These rates are thought to be higher than those of women in older generations. The rising numbers are alarming to sexual health experts who have identified the physical dangers of sexual asphyxiation. Recent students have found sexual strangulation can cause skewed hemisphere brain activity and increased cortical lining. While the exact cause of these neuroanatomical changes is currently unknown, any change in brain structure is a severe cause of concern. Additionally, choking takes away the receiver’s voice and strips them of the ability to revoke consent or communicate their needs. The inability to advocate for one’s own needs is damaging, especially considering that 15% of individuals have lost consciousness as a result of choking.

Despite the risks, many people who are not fully educated on choking still subject themselves to it and often convince themselves it is for their own pleasure. The objectification and sexualization of the feminine in every facet of media are fatiguing and inescapable. Women and femmes are taught to constantly look over their shoulders in caution of violence and unwanted sexual attention. The socialization of the feminine’s value solely lies in how much pleasure they provide for the masculine manifests into an unconscious self-objectification. Margaret Atwood famously and elegantly gave voice to this constricting paradox in her novel “The Robber Bride”: 

pretending you’re unseen, pretending you have a life of your own, that you can wash your feet and comb your hair unconscious of the ever-present watcher peering through the keyhole, peering through the keyhole in your own head, if nowhere else. You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur.”

When the feminine is taught that the sexual expectation is to greet violent submission with excitement, one must push past any physiological objectification to be the ideal sexual partner. To regain control over the situation, one may even convince oneself that they truly enjoy being able to endure the intensity of choking, as it is happening on their own terms. If individuals consent to the submission, is it truly submission? If one can find personal gratification for their stamina, are they really being subjected to degradation? Even with an understanding of the risks and social influences of choking, many may still struggle with determining if they truly enjoy it. This is a complex question that each must answer for themselves. For those who resonate with the self-objectification theory and hope to unlearn the ingrained male gaze, psychologists recommend a combination of education and mind-body awareness to consider the situation fully. Grounding yourself in the sensations and pleasure of your body can help guide you to what makes you feel most empowered in bed. For those who are still curious about the appeals of certain aspects of choking, there are safer alternatives to achieve similar sensations. The neck can be stimulated with safer and softer objects, power play can be brought in with roleplaying, and physical restriction can be achieved through the bondage of other areas of the body. And for those who are not ready to examine this aspect of their sexuality or have and want to continue engagement in it, it is critical to establish clear boundaries and communication with your partners. Choking can go wrong very fast, and having reliable signals for when to stop is critical to your safety. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable, not dangerous.

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