University of Virginia Promises to Take Sexual Assualt Allegations Seriously Until Everyone Stops Paying Attention


The following article is satire.

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. – Speaking from the steps of campus Saturday, University of Virginia President Teresa Sullivan promised swift, decisive, media-placating action in light of recent accusations of campus negligence in relation to reports of sexual assaults at university fraternities.

“I promise to do everything in my power to investigate these claims and ensure that students on our campus remain safe,” stated Sullivan. “At least until we can sweep this shit under the rug and get back to business as usual.” Sullivan then announced a bold move to suspend all fraternities until Jan. 9 of next year, figuring that the media will have definitely moved on to something else by then.

Phi Kappa Psi house, the center of the accusations, released a statement following Sullivan’s announcement, stating, “We of Phi Kappa Psi are deeply troubled by the accusations levied against our house, and plan on fully cooperating with the university’s investigation. Once Rolling Stone’s article stops trending, however, we plan on returning to our agenda of drinking near lethal amounts of alcohol and refusing to accept any accountability for our actions”.

Charlottesville Police launched a token, half-hearted investigation into the matter, instead focusing their efforts on catching vandals and protesters in front of Phi Kappa Psi’s house. Elected officials have expressed concern, as per their media advisors’ requests.

Meanwhile, hundreds of students have taken to the campus to protest the university’s response. When asked about the ongoing state of attention on UVA, many students vowed to continue protests, at least until University’s does something even more shockingly negligent.

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