18 Ways to Ignore Your Own Privilege

Hi, my name is Mark and I wrote this article.

You should check it out before you continue reading, it will definitely enlighten you.

Rather than bringing about the wave of gender equality that the men in this country so desperately need and deserve, people seemed really mad about what I wrote, which was weird, but that’s women for ya. Am I right fellas?

Anyways, FEM gave me the opportunity to clarify my points and prove that I too am an activist for gender equality.

Here goes nothing:

1. Female privilege is being able to walk down the street at night without people crossing the street because they’re automatically afraid of you.

This is just plain rude. I’m constantly prowling my neighborhood in my tan trench coat and Crocs looking for nice women to meet at 11 p.m., and they always cross to the other side of the street before I have a chance to cat-call them. At least have the courtesy to let me say something creepy before trying to avoid me, jeez.

2. Female privilege is being able to approach someone and ask them out without being labeled “creepy.”

This is when it’s just awful to be a man. One minute, you’re asking out the girl of your dreams, and the next, she and her friends call you creepy and say that’d she’d never go out with someone from A/V club and – I’LL GET YOU BACK ONE DAY TIFFANY BROCKTON!

3. Female privilege is being able to get drunk and have sex without being considered a rapist. Female privilege is being able to engage in the same action as another person but be considered the innocent party by default.

Considering my stances on women, one of the only ways I can get laid is to heavily inebriate whoever I’m trying to sleep with so that they can’t understand the vile, hateful things spewing out of my mouth every minute of every day. It’s an expensive hobby; drink tabs add up fast. Look, the point is, if you’re drunk and I’m drunk, personal responsibility and consent really don’t matter as much as my half-flaccid whiskey dick.

4. Female privilege is being able to turn on the TV and see yourself represented in a positive way. Female privilege is shows like King of Queens and Everybody Loves Raymond where women are portrayed as attractive, competent people while men are shown as ugly, lazy slobs.

I don’t watch a whole lot of television, but I do know that my favorite shows, King of Queens and Everybody Loves Raymond, which stopped airing in 2007 and 2005, are wholly representative of all television content produced across all networks.

5. Female privilege is the idea that women and children should be the first rescued from any sort of emergency situation. Female privilege is saving yourself before you save others and not being viewed as a monster.

I saw Titanic once and was really mad when Jack died at the end.

6. Female privilege is being able to decide not to have a child.

You know, I could wear condoms and elect to manage when I will or will not have a kid, but c’mon, condoms feel weird.

7. Female privilege is not having to support a child financially for 18 years when you didn’t want to have it in the first place.

Everyone knows that most women abandon their young as infants, much like sharks. This is why my child isn’t never allowed near water and I constantly remind them that they’re a financial burden. Happy Birthday Timmy!

8. Female privilege is never being told to “take it like a man” or “man up.”

Whenever people say these mean things to me it really hurts my feelings that other people aren’t suffering as much as I am.

9. Female privilege is knowing that people would take it as a gravely serious issue if someone raped you. Female privilege is being able to laugh at a “prison rape” joke.

Woo! Right on me! Rather than trying to bridge the gap between men and women sexual assault victims and find a common bond in the shared experience of surviorhood, I thought a big “fuck you” to female rape victims got the message across much more effectively. Anyways, anyone want to go see Daniel Tosh this weekend? I have tickets.

10. Female privilege is being able to divorce your spouse when your marriage is no longer working because you know you will most likely be granted custody of your children.

You know, I remember reading something about this once that disagreed with me, ehh, who cares, now let’s get back to pretending that America is trapped in a 1950s time warp.

11. Female privilege is being able to call the police in a domestic dispute knowing they will take your side. Female privilege is not having your gender work against where police are involved.

Yeah! That’s more like it. I thought it was important to ignore reality and dumb ads like this and focus on my own perceptions instead. That’s why they called me Mark “what the fuck are you talking about” Saunders in high school. Pretty cool nickname, right?

12. Female privilege is being able to be caring or empathetic without people being surprised.

Yeah! Can’t you see how fucking compassionate and empathic I’m trying to be with this article right now? Doesn’t it shock you how understating of the female plight I am? I bet you are, and that’s female privilege.

13. Female privilege is not having to take your career seriously because you can depend on marrying someone who makes more money than you do. Female privilege is being able to be a “stay at home mom” and not seem like a loser.

C’mon ladies, everyone knows that women just use a career until they can get hitched. I bet you entitled women can’t name one woman whose career outstripped her husband’s, can you? I thought not.

14. Female privilege is being able to cry your way out of a speeding ticket.

Whenever I break the law and cry in front of cops, they’re always so unsympathetic. They don’t even budge when I flash a flabby pec at them. It’s not fair that police officers are always nice to women.

15. Female privilege is being favored by teachers in elementary, middle and high school. Female privilege is graduating high school more often, being accepted to more colleges, and generally being encouraged and supported along the way.

It’s not fair that after working through school, going to college for 4 years and earning a degree, all in the face of the male adversity that Western society has, I only make 30 cents more per hour than a woman. It’s just not right. Something has to be done to make me feel more valuable than female college graduates, and fast! What other reason is there to go to college?

16. Female privilege being able to have an opinion without someone tell you you’re just “a butthurt fedora-wearing neckbeard who can’t get any.”

Someone on the internet left a really mean comment on my article one time, and it really scarred me for life. Also, I think wearing a fedora in 2014 is a hip and cool thing to do.

17. Female privilege is being able to talk about sexism without appearing self-serving.

Hey, is sexism that thing where you ignore all evidence to the contrary and take up an absurd and laughable position that women possess some sort of ridiculous-imaginary female privilege in Western society, all in what is clearly a sad and pathetic disguised effort to air personal grievances against a handful of women in my life who I’ve felt wronged me? Man, I hate when people do that.

18. Female privilege is arrogantly believing that sexism only applies to women.

Damn, I’m good.