How to Love Your Feminist Girlfriend

 

Author’s note:  The following poem is highly satirical.

 

First, you must find yourself a feminist

This shouldn’t be hard

Look for unshaven wild women

Smile furled into a grimace when confronted with men

Clothing which speaks louder than her activism

It’s all a show

Call her babe, fine, sugar

Tell her you can’t help yourself, but to love her

 

She will be yours.

Tell her feminism is no longer important,

She has everything she needs

And when she refuses to believe you,

Call her cute

Tell her you will play along with her silly game

 

Remember to feed and water her daily,

Feminists need to eat, too

But not too much,

A feminist must be thin and womanly

Who would want bulging hips and touching thighs?

 

Make sure to let her out once a day,

Fresh air is good for a feminist

It cools her temper

But first, remember to take away her picket signs and petitions

You don’t want her to accidentally riot on your neighbors’ lawns

 

Take away her right to choose

That’s too much responsibility for one girl

Its not natural

Simplify her life for her,

Life can get overwhelming for women

Make her political decisions for her, you know what’s best

 

When your feminist does something pleasing,

Remember to pat her firmly on the head:

“Good child. Good. Good girl”

And when she misbehaves,

Begging and whining for more,

Show her what she wants and take it away

She will learn to be grateful for what she has

You provide the wealth she needs

 

Leave her home to guard the house

And if she barks at intruders?

Tell her “NO”

That is your job

And if she cries?

Leave her alone in the room

Comfort will only coddle her

 

Don’t bother asking her to marry

Feminists don’t get married.

Treat her with all the respect of a passing fancy,

She is sexually liberal anyway,

Who knows who owned her before you?

Give her a place on your bed,

Only when it pleases you.

She is so lucky to sleep there

She is so lucky to have someone to love her at all

Nobody wants such feisty flesh, such mutt minded women

How lucky she is to have you

Remind her she is nothing without you

She is nothing without you.

 

To love your feminist girlfriend,

To love any girlfriend

You must not respect her

WOMEN HATE RESPECT

 

And so, with no respect

No choice

No pride

No self

Go forth and love your now lifeless shell

For if you love her like this, that is all she will be.

This is how NOT to love your girlfriend.