50 Ways to be a Decent Human Being

Image: “thumbs up” by Sarah Reid via Flickr / CC BY 2.0

I recently came across a not-so-recent article titled “50 Ways To Be The Perfect College Girlfriend.” I must say, I shouldn’t be surprised that a website called totalfratmove.com would post a list like this, but I still felt the urge to respond.

So without further ado, I give you 50 ways to be the perfect college boyfriend a decent human being:

1. Stop fetishizing younger girls.
2. Don’t set your dating standards on a woman’s drink preference.
3. Seriously, she can drink her fruity cocktails and be happy if she wants while you drink your sad beer. It doesn’t really matter.
4. Nothing is less sexy than hypocrisy. Except maybe body shaming
5. Our friends are actual human beings. They will hook up with your friends if they want to hook up with your friends.
6. If your girlfriend doesn’t like beer… oh right, who cares?
7. Don’t fetishize your girlfriend’s mother. Even if Stacey’s mom really does have it going on. It’s weird.
8. Girls love it when you tell them to cook you something. Especially a sandwich. It’s a hilarious joke that you should keep using.
9. Realize that your girlfriend can look however she wants when she goes to class, as she is there to learn and not to look sexy for you.
10. We probably like our friends better than you. Don’t insult them.
11. Don’t expect that, just because she is a girl, she will cook for you. Believe it or not, there are other things girls like to do.
12. “Make us work for it. But only a little bit.” Yeah, work a little harder.
13. Realize that it’s not your girlfriend’s job to nurse you back to health from your hangover.
14. If you don’t want a mother, then stop expecting your girlfriend to act like one.  See above.
15. Yes, please keep calling women who express their emotions crazy. It’s not patronizing at all and definitely helps to keep the spark alive.
16. Don’t expect us to like everything you like while refusing to engage in anything that might be seen as “too girly.”
17. Did you know that pink was originally the color assigned to boys until Hitler used the color to signify a person was gay?
18. That’s right. Hitler controls your perception of a color. How does that feel?
19. If you are too afraid of appearing gay, then you may need to do a lot of soul searching to figure out why that is.
20. Do not own fedora.
21. Do not complain about how hard it is to be a nice guy (see 20)
22. Do not complain about the friend zone (also see 20).
23. Before you do anything, ask yourself, “Would a meninist do this?”
24. Your girlfriend probably does not need you to tell her she is beautiful.
25. So please save the “you look better without makeup” crap.
26. Like it’s nice, but don’t assume she needs you to feel good about herself.
27. Do not set impossibly high beauty standards for us if you don’t feel the need to adhere to any yourself.
28. You’re grossed out by your girlfriend’s period? You are right. Menstruating women are proven to be highly contagious for cooties. Stay FAR away.
29. If you call other girls sluts or bitches in your girlfriend’s presence, beware: you will reveal yourself as an asshole.
30. Realize that it is a damn privilege to see your girlfriend naked
31. Realize #30 applies to the entire relationship, not just the beginning.
32. Don’t act nice just so you can have sex with us. That does not make you a nice person.
33. Again, this applies to the whole relationship, not just the beginning.
34. Don’t complain about your girlfriend complaining about wearing heels.
35. They hurt, but we look damn good in them. Sorry.
36. Don’t refer to your girlfriend’s legitimate feelings as “tantrums.”
37. Your girlfriend is not there to satisfy your every sexual whim.
38. Believe it or not, your girlfriend may be a little too busy to have your dick in her mouth all time
39. You hate condoms? Tough shit. Responsibility works both ways.
40. If you don’t like listening to your girlfriend talk, then maybe you can’t keep up.
41. If you are intimidated by the fact that your girlfriend is a feminist, you should be. Feminists feast upon the flesh of men and bathe in their blood every full moon.
42. The “cool girl” does not exist. Stop expecting every girl to be the cool girl.
43. If you can’t deal with the fact that your girlfriend may have had sex with other people, you probably can’t deal with having a girlfriend.
44. Don’t make us like your dog more than we like you.
45. Also accept the fact that we will still probably like our own dog more than we like you.
46. Remember that your girlfriend is an actual human being.
47. Your girlfriend is a human being.
48. Your girlfriend is a human being.
49. Your girlfriend is a human being.
50. Finally, don’t write dumb, sexist lists about the “perfect college girlfriend.”