Author’s note: The following poem is highly satirical.
First, you must find yourself a feminist
This shouldn’t be hard
Look for unshaven wild women
Smile furled into a grimace when confronted with men
Clothing which speaks louder than her activism
It’s all a show
Call her babe, fine, sugar
Tell her you can’t help yourself, but to love her
She will be yours.
Tell her feminism is no longer important,
She has everything she needs
And when she refuses to believe you,
Call her cute
Tell her you will play along with her silly game
Remember to feed and water her daily,
Feminists need to eat, too
But not too much,
A feminist must be thin and womanly
Who would want bulging hips and touching thighs?
Make sure to let her out once a day,
Fresh air is good for a feminist
It cools her temper
But first, remember to take away her picket signs and petitions
You don’t want her to accidentally riot on your neighbors’ lawns
Take away her right to choose
That’s too much responsibility for one girl
Its not natural
Simplify her life for her,
Life can get overwhelming for women
Make her political decisions for her, you know what’s best
When your feminist does something pleasing,
Remember to pat her firmly on the head:
“Good child. Good. Good girl”
And when she misbehaves,
Begging and whining for more,
Show her what she wants and take it away
She will learn to be grateful for what she has
You provide the wealth she needs
Leave her home to guard the house
And if she barks at intruders?
Tell her “NO”
That is your job
And if she cries?
Leave her alone in the room
Comfort will only coddle her
Don’t bother asking her to marry
Feminists don’t get married.
Treat her with all the respect of a passing fancy,
She is sexually liberal anyway,
Who knows who owned her before you?
Give her a place on your bed,
Only when it pleases you.
She is so lucky to sleep there
She is so lucky to have someone to love her at all
Nobody wants such feisty flesh, such mutt minded women
How lucky she is to have you
Remind her she is nothing without you
She is nothing without you.
To love your feminist girlfriend,
To love any girlfriend
You must not respect her
WOMEN HATE RESPECT
And so, with no respect
Go forth and love your now lifeless shell
For if you love her like this, that is all she will be.
This is how NOT to love your girlfriend.