Image Description: A white male drinking from a can is holding a sign that reads, “Angry White Guy.” Two other white individuals are standing on either side of him.
CW: Sexual Assault
You recently hit your mid-30s and have yet to do anything with your life. You’re feeling unheard, unappreciated, and just a little bit insecure. We’ve all been there. Fortunately, the latest social media trend is finally creating space for straight white men like us to be heard. Tiktok and Youtube have become safe havens for men, otherwise known as “Alpha-Males,” with “unpopular” and “problematic” views and opinions like ours. If you’re looking for a job or pastime to give your life more meaning and fulfillment, becoming the host of an alpha-male podcast might be the perfect way to spread your knowledge and advice on how to lead a virtuous and purposeful life while fulfilling your role as a man, and a superior, in society. Don’t know where to start? No problem. We’ve outlined the top 10 most important features of an alpha-male podcast below and we’re going to walk you through it, step by step.
- Garner a following of morally confused teenage boys whose frontal lobes are not yet fully developed. Your ideal audience should be young and malleable. This world is riddled with hypersensitive leftists and liberals who will try to poison young men with feminist propaganda. An older audience will already have bought into the brainwashing and it will be too late to convince them of men’s inherent superiority over women. A crowd of 12-14 year old boys, though? It’ll be much easier to guide them to the path of achieving true alpha-male status by teaching them to be the natural leaders of the world.
- The main topic of every episode should be your thoughts on the female experience. It doesn’t matter that you haven’t been able to keep a girlfriend for over 2 months. You’re allowed to speak on behalf of women because you have female friends, and you know what it’s like to live life in their shoes, probably better than they do.
- The misogyny should be blatant. Painfully blatant. I know the mainstream media and the progressives have turned “misogyny” into some horrible word, but it’s really just an ideology. You believe men are people and women are females. Don’t be ashamed of this ideology. Only betas are afraid to call themselves misogynists. This is probably the single most important defining feature of any alpha-male platform so we’ll be describing this one in more detail. Refer to #4-#8.
- Incessantly point out how women live life on easy mode. There are endless examples of how you can go about this. For instance, you can go with the classic, “Females don’t have to pay for their own drinks.” Make sure to skip over the fact that men only pay for women’s drinks because they’re trying to get them intoxicated enough to easily take advantage of. Or, you can weigh in on the #MeToo movement to bring attention to all the sympathy and validation women might get when they come forward with their histories of assault. Why should women always be believed when it comes to sexual assault? Females are notorious for wanting to ruin the lives of innocent men. Men rarely serve time for sexual violence anyway, but it’s kind of ridiculous that these accusations are even entertained and taken to court.
- Police women on their sexuality, especially in relationships. Regardless of what the feminists say, when you tell women what they should and shouldn’t be doing with their bodies, you’re not stepping out of line and disrespecting their autonomy. You’re trying to save them from the degeneracy that comes with living a feminist lifestyle. You’re doing them a favor by telling them that they should not be having casual sex, and most definitely should not be denying their boyfriends and husbands oral sex. Like I said before, it doesn’t matter if you’re not the type of guy who usually finds himself in long-term relationships. It’s completely valid for you to be telling monogamous women that they are not treating their male partners right by not allowing them to sleep with other people, free of consequences. Some things are just different for men and females, and it’s your job, as an alpha male, to point out this difference. For example, when men cheat on their partners, it’s because they are not fulfilled in their current relationships. When females are unfaithful to their partners, they’re for the streets and can’t be trusted. When a man posts on Instagram, he’s updating his social media. When a woman posts on instagram, she’s obviously seeking attention from other males. As a real man with a platform, you have a responsibility to open other men’s eyes to these inconsistencies.
- Target and harass women. Extra points if they’re feminists. If women and men are equal, you should be allowed to come at women the same way you come at men. Equal rights, equal fights. Now, there’s quite a few ways you can go about this. The easiest one is probably to find women on social media, and send your army of preteen boys after them. Make sure to equip your soldiers with enough slurs to completely overtake their comment sections. If you’re feeling really ballsy, invite them onto your platform to record an episode with you and verbally assault them live!
- Invite women as guests on your podcast, and talk over them the entire time. This one is pretty self-explanatory. The point is to feature females to beat the “woman-hater” allegations and give the illusion of civility, but to your core, you’re still a woman-hater so you won’t be giving them any genuine respect.
- Engage in gym-bro talk, but make it misogynistic. Instead of providing helpful suggestions to help other men progress in the gym, post embarrassing videos of women working out and offer your commentary! Make sure to invalidate every woman’s success and accomplishments, because only men actually work hard for what they want. This is a great context in which you can point out the biological differences between men and women. For example, women don’t have to defy gravity like men do; biologically, women have it easier (See #4).
- Share your knowledge about crypto and NFTs. Do you have any idea what you’re talking about? No. Does anyone care about what you think of crypto and NFTs? Also no. Are you going to share your opinions anyway? Abso-fucking-lutely. Alpha males force their views down their audience’s throat. It may seem overbearing at first, but you have a responsibility to educate the masses.
- Include some ridiculously “masculine” sponsorships. Remember, most females aren’t smart enough to appreciate your content, so a majority of your audience is men. Your sponsorships should be from brands created by men, for men. AXE Bodyspray, Manscaped, and DUDE Wipes are your best choices.
Here you have it, Alphas. The perfect guide to being the most dominant, logical, masculine pack leader. Follow these steps and you’ll have swarms of virtuous, young women, untainted by the stains of feminism, ready to follow your every command and falling at your feet, as well the utmost respect from every other crypto-obsessed gym-bro. The Alpha-Male Podcast marks a turn-of-the-century revival of unashamed, courageous anti-feminist content creation. Men who have been silenced and rejected by a liberal-driven cancel culture are finally finding their voices again. Don’t miss out on the revolution. Join the pack.